Have you ever dreamed of it raining tea? Alf has. But he’s taking time out from his busy daydream schedule to answer some of your—yes, your—questions. He’s really knowledgable and generous like that.
It’s busy here at the Rehab. So many lost and confused Inhabitants needing guidance and help, there isn’t time for the dust to settle with the bustle in this place. I haven’t had to light a fire in weeks, the heat from the crowd is enough to warm the whole place. Somewhere in this writhing activity is my mailbag. Where is it? It should be right next to my favorite armchair but it’s been kicked into a corner to clear space. Maybe I could free up more space by actually replying to some mail. That’s actually not a bad idea, as long as I can squeeze the time out of my schedule. Let’s see here. What can I help folks with today?
It’s a chilly but beautiful time here on Oddworld. The ground is blanketed in crispy carpets of snow, or is it the ash from the Glukkon forest furnaces over the hill? Trees are growing sumptuous red berries, or are they pustules brough on by the Vykkers’ latest engineered plant virus? The rivers have dwindled to a trickle as the cold waters upstream freeze over, or has Sekto set up another bottling company? It’s nice to look at one way or another, so pop another sustainably-harvested log on the fire and snuggle up in your brand new Meep sweater: I’m going to celebrate the Holiday season with a traditional Alf-style question-answering.
There once was a time when seekers of knowledge from across and beyond the nation would pilgrimage across deserts, forests, jungles, mountains, volcanos, swamps and busy parking lots to sit in the shadow of a great and wise elder. One by one, they would put to him the questions that had puzzled their civilizations, kept them awake at night, torn down tribal relations, or were just interesting. No spiritual, ethical or epistemological ponderance was too much for the shaman, and he would always respond after deep, contemplative thought with the answer that enlightened the most.
These days you just pop down to Alf’s teahouse and have a natter with the barkeep.
IncredibleMeh: Hey alf, on my PS box for a two-pack of abe’s oddysee and abe’s exodus, i saw a picture of a mudokun holding a cooked glukkon head on a platter. Did you guys actualy eat the poor shmuck, and if so, how did he taste?
As the nights grow later and the sun grows stronger, I am reminded of a very important time in my life, when I was travelling a desert with my Mudokon brothers to go looking for a bone-mining operation. At the time we were hot and hungry and our eagerness to help out prevented us from asking important questions: How far was the journey? What would we do when we got there? Why didn’t we saddle up a bunch of Elums? All these years later I look back at this as a time of innocence, a traumatic occasion that encouraged me to find out more about Oddworld and share that understanding and wisdom with everyone around me. This is the venue. You are the audience. Ask, and your pal Alf will answer!
Well E-by-lum, it sure has been a long time since I did one of these things. Between the release of Stranger’s Wrath HD, development of Munch’s Oddysee HD and the start of a little something we like to call Abe HD, I just haven’t found the time to sit down with a big cup of revitalizing tea, pull up a fresh sheet of paper, and write demeaning comments about you all. That hasn’t stopped you sending in questions, though. I’ve got a lovely big backlog of mail waiting to be opened, and my letter opener is just too blunt to handle all those envelopes.
But persevere I shall! For there is nothing more important to me than responding to good, honest questions with good, honest answers! So enough of me prattling on about how I’m going to get to work: Let’s get to work!
Like a tree growing another branch full of juicy leaves, Dear Alf has grown another entry full of juicy questions and answers. So climb up from the Ground of Ignorance to the Clouds of Knowledge and don’t look down! And don’t get pecked by the Birds of Indecision lest we be felled by the Chainsaw of uh… no, I have no idea where this metaphor is going. Just pay attention to what the Alfman is saying; he’s trying to inform you, for crying out loud!
Teacher. Healer. Friend. Listener. He’s the all-knowing, soul-growing, tea-brewing, info-spewing Savior of the Mudokons’ Kettles, and he doesn’t write his own introductions or anything, I swear! Alf has returned, if he ever left the office in the first place, to pick up the phone, open his emails, check his tweets and hide the letter stinkbombs in Abe’s latrine. Along the way he’s collated ever more of your incessant questions to publish with corresponding (but not corroborated) answers. Turn on, tune in, scroll down.
What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it an answer? No! It’s an Alfster!
The befezzed befriender returns with this month’s second dose of questions answered, bafflement debaffled and complaints shredded and thrown in the locked bin where they belong far out of sight and mind. Enlightenment after the jump.
Who’s the green tea shaman, that’s an answer machine to all the fans? Alf! Wait, not that kind of answer machine! I mean he is a machine when it comes to answering fans’ questions, not that you should please leave your questions after the tone. Beep!