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Dear Alf 69 - Tons of Tea and Gravity

This week's theme for Dear Alf is size and number, so count yourself in as Alf tackles the BIG questions!

What’s up, Alfnauts, and what’s going down? And everything in between! I wanna talk to you this week about something big. Quite a few big things, actually. And some small things. Lots and little. I’ll cut to the leaves, my theme today is size and number.

Gotta tackle those weighty topics, please the masses, and lots more poor puns about amounts. So here we go! Onto the BIG QUESTIONS.

smashintopolis How many cups of tea do you go through? I mean, c’mon, I’m sure it takes easily close to a thousand for a “Rehab and Tea” session, right?

Depends who shows up. There’s a lotta souls to cleanse, and they all gotta come through my door. Not that I have a door, it’s more of a tarp. Anyway, we’ve got some industrial-scale consumers coming out of the factories, y’know, a lifetime of addiction to work through. And numbers keep going up as more and more folks hear about Abe and want their slice of quarma quiche. If we hit a thousand cups a session I’m gonna need to move to a bigger teahouse. Or start a chain. Anyone wanna run a franchise?

He Who Hungers How many times have you been killed or led to your untimely death by Abe in Abe’s Exoddus?

Whaddaya yappin’ ’bout? You the prophet inspector now? Abe’s never let me down. ‘Cept maybe that time he said he’d help me carry leaves from the forest, and then Elum got bored and ran off with Abe on him and I had to carry all the berries by myself. And even that was only slightly his fault! The real question I want answered is: How many times have YOU led me to my death? Don’t think I can’t see ya out there, giggling at every bullet spray like a kid in a fart factory. Sickening.

Josh #DearAlf What’s with that schmuck Abe’s ponytail? He can possess a scrab with it short. Mine’s down to my knees and I can’t move a fly! Bah

You’re doing it wrong, chump. Your feathers are supposed to grow as your spiritual wisdom and proficiency develop, not the other way around. You can’t just stop going to the barber and expect new skills to appear in your portfolio, you massive scrub. How ’bout you buck up your game and actually try possessing something you could wrap your head around, like a sloth or a lazy cat? Or perhaps a whiney grass.

rui Dear Alf I heard that Oddworld is 7 times more large the earth,is true?

Sounds a bit excessive, if ya ask me. How does the gravity of that make any sense? Seven times as much surface land to play around with, maybe. But not seven times the size. You wouldn’t believe how many scientists you upset when you go around saying nonsense like that!

oddalisque What or who is the “Magog Cartel” named after?

You never heard of Magog before? Really, you kids are getting cheated on your education, you really should register a complaint! This name is many centuries old, and as I’m sure you know, history that sticks around that long is likely to take part in the future at some point.

Lee #Dearalf ‘i’ve always wondered do flying big bro sligs exist?

By the stains in my pot, there’d better not be! We get enough trouble from the little ones buzzin’ about, droppin’ bombs for laughs. Dang flyberks. Strap one of them wrecking bulls to a flying harness and you’re in for some critical aerial demolition. But I think we’re safe – I mean, can imagine the size of the balloon they’d need to keep him floating?

Exo Hey Alf, I heard Crig lost his arm – how did he lose it?

He told me he trapped it in a slot machine he was trying to reach inside.

So now the biggest mysteries of space have been solved by yours tealy and you’re reeling from the shocking truths… you’d better have some good follow-up questions! So throw them all at me and wait another week for another round of revelation.

Submit those juicy questions and queries to me in the comments below or use the hashtag #DearAlf on Facebook or Twitter.

See you next week, Odd fans!

I am over 13

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