Dear Alf

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Dear Alf October 2011 (Volume 2)

Like a tree growing another branch full of juicy leaves, Dear Alf has grown another entry full of juicy questions and answers. So climb up…

Like a tree growing another branch full of juicy leaves, Dear Alf has grown another entry full of juicy questions and answers. So climb up from the Ground of Ignorance to the Clouds of Knowledge and don’t look down! And don’t get pecked by the Birds of Indecision lest we be felled by the Chainsaw of uh… no, I have no idea where this metaphor is going. Just pay attention to what the Alfman is saying; he’s trying to inform you, for crying out loud!

Spencer: What do Mudockens use for money? Or do they trade things in for their cloth and wood or do they make every thing them self’s.

Different tribes do different things. Sometimes it’s tit-for-tat, sometimes you have to work for your dinner, sometimes there’s a currency like beads or idols or teabags. That last one may only be in my dreams.

Paramite Pie Eater: Hey alf why doesn’t Abe rhyme anymore like when he was at Rupture Farms.

Same reason you don’t go around making all your speech rhyme poetically – it’s a pain in the asterisks.

chant man: why does big face where a mask?

On his face. Oh sorry, I misread. He wears a mask because it’s traditional and he’s all about the tradition. That’s why he’s the shaman and we’re not. Might as well ask why judges wear silly wigs or why I wear my fez. It’s part of the job and we love it.

Katie: what is it like being abe’s brother? have you two ever done something silly?

Being Abe’s brother is great. So much better than being Abe. Having to sneak into smelly factories and hide in the shadows while trigger-happy Sligs come within a Stingbee’s wing of spotting you? Now that’s silly, and I love being allowed to sit on the sidelines. Oh come on, don’t look at me like that! If I get caught, who will be there to rehabilitate future escapees? I’m too valuable an asset.

Steef Dude: Them Clackers were blazin’ a trail across the frontier, but the frontier of WHAT? Do they come from Mudos, or over the ocean? Do they have still their own territories, or were they chased outta the region by nasty imperialist Glukkons?

Where they come from is a mystery. It’s like the changing of the seasons or the tides of the sea. What matters is that they came chasing industry and treasure, and they found both.

Two questions. First, are steefs a super species like so many others on Oddworld? You’d think my momma would have told me, but nooo.

I’m sure my momma would have told me if only I’d ever met her. Instead she’s locked up in some chamber somewhere being forced to lay the highest number of Labor Eggs she can manage. You can call it a super species if you like, but it sure seems to me that putting all your reproductive eggs in a single basket case is a risky strategy.

Second, if most mudokons are sexless, why do they wear loincloths?

Just because we don’t reproduce doesn’t mean we’re without modesty. Who’d want to see our little green butts bobbing about the screen? Actually, let’s pretend I didn’t say that. I know what kind of place the internet has become during my sabbatical. Look, we just don’t want our… the top of our legs to get cold.

David: why is it that there are no females in oddworld besides he glukken queen unless it a drrag queen?

There are plenty of females, you just haven’t been looking in the right places. Take a trip to Western Mudos, there are female Clakkerz and Grubbs there.

also what do mudoken females look like and where do the eggs come from thanks alf :)

Mudokon females are big. And I don’t mean like an Amazonian. The eggs come from them.

Sam: Dear Alf if you had to choose between Abe and Big Face to lead the mudokons who would you choose?

As far as I’m aware, we don’t have a single leader and never have. Big Face is a spiritual leader, although by no means the only one. Abe is more of a political-slash-military leader. How can I possibly pick one? I suppose Abe has freed more of us and incited us to fight for our freedom more than Big Face has. Or maybe Big Face accomplished a butt-load before Abe and I were even born. I just don’t know. I have a feeling I’d regret it, but I guss I’d have to go with Abe.

Anthony: Who is big face and why is he blue like abe???

Maybe it’s Abe from the future, come back to set the whole Quintology in motion! Dun dun duuuun!

Andrew: Hey Alf, would Glukkons bring up the notion of hiring another species as sadistic peacekeepers just to scare sligs into working harder?

Sligs don’t need to work harder. They’re cheap, expendable, and they get the job done. True they topple like dumbinoes when Abe’s barging into the place, but there’s no way of predicting when that will happen. Better just to hire a few extra personnel to ensure your personal safety and make do with the insurance when your franchise goes kablooey. But until that fateful day, Sligs’ incompetance is no match for their effectiveness.

Declan: hey alf! hey why do sligs need all the machinery on them, on the face, such as the eyes or even the tubes. do they need it because they have a hard time breathing or seeing or somthing?

Breathing, seeing, speaking, looking attractive enough to not cause everyone around you to spontaneously erupt in irrepressible volcanoes of vomit – Sligs have trouble with all of it. They’re just awfully built creatures, not suited to any kind of skilled or intelligent work. All their good for is taking their own frustration and jealousy and turning it into hatred of everyone around them.

Vincent: Hey, just a few questions about this chapter in Abe’s life;

Well, I suppose that is what I’m here for. Fine, shoot.

1.) What is the reproductive system of Interns; are they hermaphrodite’s like Vykkers, have two genders or do they have a queen?

Uh, I guess whichever of those means they all look the same and like the same things. The first one. Or the last one. Or any other one.

2.) Why were Intern Shock Rockers cut from the game?

Shock Rockers are a fine idea until you realize that your Interns are working in metal environments, with co-workers wearing metal and critter cages that open when a large voltage is delivered to them. Even if those electrified batons saved a few Interns’ lives from escaped Fuzzles getting toothy on their captors, dozens more would be lost to Fuzzle stampedes and accidental electrocutions. The danger is worse in the sewers of Vykkers Labs, especially during Prune Consumption Week. That’s why Shock Rockers aren’t around.

3.) What are Glukkon/Vykker and Slig/Intern relations or Vykker/Slig and Glukkon/Intern for that matter?

Of those combinations, the only ones that really interact are Glukkons and Vykkers, and even then only because they have to. Glukkons and Vykkers are separate industrial families with their own interests. Sometimes that means cooperating, sometimes that means competing. Oftentimes it means using Shrinks as less disturbing business negotiators. Sligs and Interns also come from separate security firms and probably wouldn’t get along for no more reason than that.

4.) Will the gabbits die out after the 150 eggs or do they have two genders?

I doubt the Raisin would have sent Abe and Munch to get the can if he wasn’t certain it was essential for the survival of the Gabbit species. I can’t wait to find out what happens when that can opens. Hopefully it’s eggs and not worms inside.

5.) Where is Lulu now?

Wherever the desperate, the needy, the poor and the excluded go when society won’t give them a leg (or arm) to stand on: the street.

I have just been wondering; what is the backstory of Doc? Was he a Vykker from Vykkers Lab 13? And if so; did he survive the explosion or leave due to differences? Or from somewhere all together different?

Vykkers Labs is just one business in the Vykkers’ research armada. Doc never worked there, but he is fully qualified and registered with whatever quacks you need to qualify and register with to convince small Clakker townships that you’re a competant medical professional. Why did he wind up in the middle of nowhere? Somebody’s got to. Maybe he likes all the roadkill and taxidermy. Maybe he just filled a job position everyone else was too proud to accept.

Josh: hey alf, How come when a mudokon, slig, glukkon, slog and paramite get crushed by a meat saw or blown up they shatter into pieces, but scrabs don’t?

Um. They have really tough skin?

Also, Will abe aver travel through an empty meech temple filled with booby traps set by the tribe’s ancestors to learn a new spiritual power? sounds cool to me :D

What is with all the questions asking me what happens in the future? I don’t know! How can I possibly know? I’ve never been there, and even if I had why would I risk destroying the fabric of spacetime by interfering with it? No, no more. If anyone asks me anything else about the future I’m just going to fart in their face.

Emyo: Hi Alf! I was wondering: Who shall survive in a hypothetical clash between a scrab and a meech?

Scrab. Meeches are tough, but they could only compete with a Scrab if they’re in a pack. Note that Meeches are always in a pack. Not any more, obviously. Extinction puts a real crimp in your social life. Just ask Munch.

ChaseManChu: I was just wondering, Was it true whats on wikipedia about there nearly being a lawsuit in japan about abe and his friends having 4 fingers? and that the game was altered to have only 3 fingered abe? Thanks alot!

It wasn’t a lawsuit, it was extortion. They didn’t want four-fingered characters to be shown in the country for historical cultural reasons. That might be perfectly alright except they were willing to compromise their own rule if they were paid enough. They were using a very dark part of their country’s past to profit, and we weren’t cool with that. So instead of giving them the cash, we gave them the finger.

Moriah: Hey Alf, What IS the password for Packrat Palooka’s hideout?

I’m looking in the original script and apparently it’s “String of short and long beeps to indicate censored vulgarity”. That sound right?

Jacob: Alf, I know that the subject of cloning is two months ago, but I want to address this subject if it’s not too much trouble. I also knew that cloning will have some benefits, such as replacing inefficient organs and organ systems and bringing extinct creatures back to life; however, if the Vykkers invented cloning, then there is a chance that the Glukks and the Vykkers might clone Mudokons without their knowledge or conscent. With all this information in mind, what is your view of Mudokon cloning?

Cloning Mudokons is a horrific and detestable idea. The only families with the technology to do that are the ones who will use the clones for nothing good. Imagine the scale of torture and mistreatment, the terror and suffering that will ensue. Imagine the power of their war machine if it’s powered by millions of cheap-to-replace Mudokons. Imagine how disposable we’ll all become.

But I wouldn’t mind being cloned. Then I’d only have to a fraction of the work.

That’s it for October. Given how busy we are there’ll almost certainly only be a single edition of Dear Alf next month, but don’t you dare stop sending your questions to me! You can email me; you can send me a message on Facebook; you can send me a tweet on Twitter; you can even ask me questions on Formspring. Until next month, Stay Odd!

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